No one talks about how hard it is to love an addict. To mourn a person you love while they're still physically here. Mourning who they used to be.
You know what else no one talks about? How hard it is watching other people that you love crumble in the process of that persons addiction.
If you didn’t already know, my brother is an addict in active addiction. It all started with a prescription from a doctor after a shoulder surgery he had. I don’t recognize who he is anymore. I don’t see the brother that I once knew.
But that’s not all… I have watched my parents, especially my dad, be swept up in the storm with him. No one talks about how hard it is for the families of the addict. You love someone so deeply and as a parent sometimes it’s impossible to let go.
I’m writing this because I know im not the only one. I know my family isn’t the only family profoundly impacted by drugs and addiction. I cry as a type these words because this is a pain that is unlike any other. I write these words in hopes that someone who is experiencing something similar, knows they aren’t alone either.
I don’t have advice for how to heal this pain because truth is, this is a pain that you learn to cope with not get over. I struggle with this often because I’ve had to distance myself not only from my brother but from one of the people I love most in this world. All I can tell you is that there are many people who experience this pain and we are not alone. I’m being vulnerable on my platform right now with the sheer hope of showing you that there is support out there. There are people you can talk to who understand who can just listen.
I’ve watched the evolution of this addiction. I’ve had a front seat to how it’s destroyed my brothers life and in turn, my dads because he can’t let go of his son no matter how bad it gets.
I spent years trying to fix things. Years “running to the rescue” when it got really bad. Years being the only support my dad has. Years of fighting an internal battle with myself. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Wanting to be there to support my brother. Wanting so badly for him to get better. For him to experience how beautiful life can be. But also realizing that I need to do what is best for me too. Years of begging my dad to put himself first and not let my brothers addiction swallow them both.
Addiction is nasty. It’s evil. It can swallow the addict and everyone around him/her, whole. In the city I’m from, you see it everywhere. People living on the streets with no limbs still doing drugs. Pregnant women, mothers, fathers, daughters, brothers, sisters…
I don’t have advice for addicts, I wish I knew a way out of that dark hole. But I can tell you how I have learned to cope as someone who loves an addict…
I had to remember that I can’t fall down with him. I had to take a step back and focus on what I needed because running to the rescue and trying to force him to change only caused more stress, worry, and chaos in my own life. Held me back from getting to where I need to go and doing what I need to do for myself and for my life.
You have to understand that they won’t get help unless they are ready. They won’t get sober unless they truly want to live a better life. You can’t force anyone to change. No matter how much you love someone they won’t get clean unless they are really ready. If love could heal their pain and get them sober, we would have way less people in active addiction. But unfortunately, love can’t save them.
I learned that no matter how hard it would be, I couldn’t be an enabler anymore. I couldn’t continue to be around him after so many major boundaries were crossed. I learned that if I didn’t distance myself, I would fall into that dark hole with him.
Drugs, addiction, changes the person you love. They do things you would’ve never imagined. They act and behave in ways you know that they wouldn’t if they were sober. You hold onto the fact that you know deep down that’s not who they are.
When someone in active addiction is sober, when the drugs wear off and they try to get clean… They’re faced with the reality of everything they’ve done and often they will use again to numb the pain they feel. It’s a vicious cycle, one that is so hard to get out of.
I know a woman who lost 2 out of 3 of her children to addiction. It amazes me how she is still standing and was able to carry on with her life, with her husband. It takes a level of strength and resilience that is beyond words to do that.
All I know is I’m writing this today because I want to remind you that your life is still valuable. You are still here. You still have people counting on you. Life hasn’t stopped for you. I want you to remember that.
I know what it feels like to have overwhelming guilt when you’re living your life as someone you love is battling vicious addiction. I know the guilt that comes with moving forward with your life while they are stuck in the same dark cycle.
No one talks about it out of fear of being judged. Out of fear of embarrassment. I’ll be real with you right now, I have felt that embarrassment followed by guilt for feeling embarrassed. I live with this feeling every single day so I know, I get it.
I know the feeling of helplessness that washes over you when nothing you do makes a difference and all you want is for the person you love to be freed from this addiction.
I’ll end with this, you can either: distance yourself and pray that they find their way towards the light or you can be in their addiction with them and be consumed by the darkness of that. Support is out there, despite how lonely this may have you feeling.
Sending anyone who is experiencing this so much love.
XX,
Dana
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