As humans, we have this tendency to believe that we know best, that our perception is the correct one. We tend to think we know what is best for the people we love or the people around us. Some more than others, but we all have this in us.
This has a lot to do with judgement. You may think surface level, you're not judgmental, but your actions may say otherwise. If you are constantly thinking you know what's best for everyone else I want to challenge you in this moment to step back. Ask yourself with an open mind, "Do you really know what's best for someone else? What makes you so sure that your perception is the right one?".
When we love people, of course we want them to succeed, we want them to be happy, we want them to be healthy. And yes, of course, there are certain situations where what you think is best for them is probably right. But I want to play devils advocate here and challenge you to open yourself up to this new idea that maybe you aren't always right. Maybe what you think is best, is not what they think is best for them. I challenge you to give them the space to figure it out on their own.
I have been learning to love even more freely in my life. To love people in such a way that they feel free to be exactly as they are, without judgement. This is a hard one but it's a essential in elevating your relationships and friendships. More on this later, most likely will be podcasts and entire blogs and maybe even a book dedicated to this topic. But for now, I just want to touch the surface.
I have someone in my life who loves me a lot but who has the tendency to believe they know what's best for me or what I am thinking internally more than I do. The truth is, only I know what's best for me and the only other person who comes in close second to knowing what's best for me is my future husband. The person who spends nearly every day with me. The person who knows me inside and out, the beautiful parts and the ugly. But this person doesn't just do this with me, they do it with everyone in their lives. Which led me to writing this blog because I realized something.
I do it too. I have been working on it, but I am for sure guilty of truly believing that my way of living life is the right way. Then I realized, who am I to think I know the "right" way? The truth is, there is no right or wrong way to live (with the exception of the things that may harm you or someone else, obviously). What works for me, may not work for someone else. I preach that in the coaching I do. I always urge my community to take what I do and apply to their life in a way that is suitable for them.
We do this out of love but our ego's play a huge part in this. It's our egos that tell us we know best. It's our egos that make us believe it's our way or the highway. I just want to encourage you to begin loving your people more freely, without judgement. Unless they are making drastic decisions like using drugs, borderline alcoholics, hurting themselves or others in some way - those are all exceptions. But as for everything else, stop trying to force them to live life how you think they should.
What happens when we try to force or control? Usually the opposite of what we want, anyway. You can make suggestions in a way that's not judgmental and not forceful. You may not yet be able to understand why they make the choices they do, but maybe there's something in you that needs to be healed. Control and force comes from fear, so the question is, what about their decision brings up fear in you? What fear is triggered? Then, find out where that trigger and fear comes from.
If you love your people deeply, the best thing you can do for them and for your bond, is to release judgement. Get off your high horse. Let love lead the way instead of your ego. We all need this reminder. If your friend is jumping from guy to guy, let her find her way. If she keeps going back to the same guy that fucked her over, don't shut her out. If your friend just keeps jumping from job to job frantically because she's afraid of chasing her true passions full time, allow her the space to figure it out without judgement.
There's this stigma now because of social media. We're told to cut everyone out of our lives and the word toxic is thrown around so easily that the word has lost its true meaning. You can keep people in your life that are on a different path than you and at certain times choose to love them from just a further distance. We wonder why our generation is so depressed and sad and lonely. But here's the evidence. We spend more time judging other people than we spend actually working on ourselves.
I spend at least an hour alone every single day. Journaling, meditating, gratitude practice. I work through my thoughts during this time, I put it all in these journals. I see the parts of myself that aren't pretty and I work through them. This is how I've finally gotten to this point of letting go of judgment. That doesn't mean I'll never judge someone again, it just means that when I do, I'll be more aware of it. Eventually, I'll get to a point where I don't judge as harshly or I do it a lot less often. I'm off my high horse, and on those days or in those moments when I find myself allowing my ego to take over once again, I'll remind myself that I might not know what's best. That my beliefs may not be what's right. I'll open myself up just enough to be able to truly put myself in their shoes.
Lastly, I challenge you to choose compassion in those moments over judgement. Empathy. Not sympathy. Ground yourself in the fact that you may not have any fucking clue what it's like to be in their shoes. If you have never experienced what they are going through, how could you judge? It's so easy say what you "would do" in a situation you have never been in. It's a piece of cake to say "I would never put up with that, I would walk away, I would never jeopardize my future like that, I could never live like that, there's something deeper going on even though you already told me there isn't, I wouldn't fall into those bad habits while grieving, I wouldn't behave like that....". Truth is, you have no fucking clue whaat you would do, because you've never lived that or you've never experienced what they are.
If nothing else, I encourage you to become aware of how often you judge others. How often you judge the people you love. The first step is always becoming aware. Once you are aware, then you can make some changes. And what happens is beautiful. You begin to love people more freely, without limits. You begin to see life in a bigger picture form. You start to judge yourself a little less and yourself a little more.
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